The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
$4 #usedbooks
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.