31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.