In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
You Might Also Like
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.