Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions