People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
When he asks for feet pics
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting