me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.