[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.