I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!