When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.