It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
こいつ天才
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.