Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.