Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Comparing yourself to others
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas