When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I am, perchance
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
welcome back
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”