I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?