Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.