Dishonest mechanic?
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Green is just blue that someone peed in
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
wtf is an acronym
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Just as the prophecy foretold
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.