Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Boating season is upon us.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.