it be like that
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The pen is writier than the sword.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Effort made
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning