wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You Might Also Like
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.