The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
You Might Also Like
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.