Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“just sayin” who asked you though?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no