Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.