I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …