I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Social distancing in Australia: