I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My boss called in sick of me
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”