Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”