I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Botany good plants lately?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.