[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.