When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen