Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
What the dentist sees
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect