Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]