My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date