please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*pokes sex life with a stick
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?