*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂