I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.