Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.