I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
How did we not see this back then?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.