Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.