Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Well, my evening plans are ruined
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Smells like a challenge to me
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
my astrological sign is a french fry
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
$4 #usedbooks
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*