Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
You Might Also Like
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better