Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
#SaturdayBears
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!