Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Chicago sounds lovely.