Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one