Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“you recording!?”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?