If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.