Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
In banana years, I am bread.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.