Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
In banana years, I am bread.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]