You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.