Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.