“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Same post same
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having